Remorse and Repentance

Over the last few days, the remorse of having been arrested for a DUI has transformed into something darker: guilt.  I feel guilty as hell for having put myself in this situation.  It wasn’t anyone else’s fault but mine, and I am simply thankful that the consequences aren’t worse.  In my guilt-ridden state, all I seek is forgiveness.

  • First, I apologize to those that I shared the road with that night.  I played with your lives by letting my selfishness put you in danger. And no amount of apologies will ever make up for what I did.  While I can promise to you that I will NEVER drink and drive again, if I put myself in your shoes, I’d have no reason to believe in me either.
  • Second, I am apologetic for the way my actions have impacted those around me.  My girlfriend is currently suffering from a gallbladder infection.  While she was staying with me this past weekend, she suffered through unimaginable pain on the way to the ER.  I was a complete failure as a boyfriend — I could not legally drive her to the ER in the time of her need due to my actions leading to my license being suspended for any reason other than business-only.  Since she lives 150 miles away from me and is having her gallbladder removed this upcoming weekend, it remains to be seen how I will visit her in the time of her need again. Had it not been for my drinking and driving, I could have been and would have been a better person for those around me.
  • Thirdly, I am apologetic to those who were raised with me, whether in school or at work.  You have come to expect a lot out of me.  And my actions affect you.  You are all good people. And I am eternally sorry to have disappointed you.
  • Finally, I am apologetic to my parents.  They are immigrants who fought tooth and nail to make ends meet to send their son to school.  They escaped a failing third-world country so that their son could live the American Dream.  I have failed them miserably.  It feels awful that they invested their live savings in legal fees just so that they and their children could migrate to America legally — and for what? For their son to commit an illegal and immoral act?  Shame on me.

My girlfriend has been supremely supportive of me.  She bailed me out.  She made me believe, if only for a minute, that things will be okay eventually — that I made a horrible decision but she loves me nonetheless.  But something has changed in her.  During one of our last fights, she blurted out the following: “I had come to expect perfection from you. And you’ve let me down” in reference to my DUI.  She isn’t wrong.  This is the non-financial consequence of my actions.

Believe me when I tell you — you cannot afford a DUI.  Emotionally, it leaves you in a state where you have a hard time seeking forgiveness from those who you have affected, those you love the most, and the one person you see in the mirror everyday.

Remorse comes easy.  Repentance after a DUI, though, is a life-long process.  And hopefully during this process, I can make those around me proud once again.

xx

The prosecutor officially filed the charges against me today.  What does this mean?  That probable cause exists that I was driving under the influence.  The case in the criminal court thus moves forward towards arraignment and ultimately adjudication.   Semi-related, the DMV hearing is not for another dozen days.  What a shameful 4th of July it shall be for me.

I don’t say this lightly.  Today was the worst I’ve felt since the night in jail. But a small price to pay for my actions, and well-deserved.

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